“Look, I’ve made so many mistakes you wouldn’t even believe. Maybe one day I’ll tell you. And now I’m rich. You’ll be fine.”
— Mother on the phone with her young daughter

“The last thing I googled was how to get good at chess in five minutes.”

“I need to not do drugs tonight. But wait, do you have any though?”

“You could have saved Anthony Bourdain.”

“She said she wanted someone who listens. So she started dating a deaf guy.”

“Australia is just kind of like, ‘maybe death?’”

“They have indoor skiing in Dubai.”
“I mean, they got that in Jersey too.”

“Now that I’ve cleaned and redesigned my room, I really don’t want to bring any guys back having them lie on my bed. I think they would take away from it than add anything.”